I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Someone shit on the floor
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
