Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
