Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she peed on how many people?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
