I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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