Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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