Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
