I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
