You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
