Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
im six kinds of drunk right now
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
