You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
