Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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