youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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