I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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