I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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