We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
