Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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