i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She's the barista slut.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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