Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
