In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Don't tell me you're on acid again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
