Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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