I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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