Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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