Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
cat food counts as protein by the way
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
