fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
