Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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