Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
