I love black thongs
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
