I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
