So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
