look no pants
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
