I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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