she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
