mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
