can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
