Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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