I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize