True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
