he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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