I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
