I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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