He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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