just come out here and I will go home with you...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
