if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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