Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize