I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
