maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
