Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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