I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
