I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
