why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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