My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
