hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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