3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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