i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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