probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
