I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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