ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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