The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
