I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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