happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
