God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
did i walk over a car last night?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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